Story Lab Week 10: A letter to...
I wish you could be here...
So much has changed since you left. It seems like life is flying by so much faster now without our lengthy discussions about how the world works. I cling to the lessons you taught without trying. Like always maintaining an open mind; did you know trains can fly? Never giving up no matter how long the process may take; remember when you spent basically your whole young life in school? Staying patient and consistent; I hope to be there for someone in the ways you always were.
There's so much I need to hear from you...
You always knew what to do. Even if you didn't, you acted like you know what was going on. I need your help now more than ever. There's so many important decisions that I'm facing. I know you would help me see what the best course of action is without being biased. You were the best listener and my biggest supporter. There's so much left in life that I don't know. Who is going to challenge me and teach me at the same time. Who is going to remind me that nothing is impossible. Who is going to make a silly joke about the complexities of life that sheds the worries away like a nice tub of ice cream.
I really miss you...
The holidays suck, sure, but there's also a lot of distraction. This month... and the summer months are always the hardest. This is when we did so many fun things together. Our love of outdoors flourished when the weather was beautiful and I had time to step away from school. The memories of our many adventures bring joy and so many tears. I can't wait to go back to Yellowstone. The days spent on the couch playing games or watching our favorite shows. The pancakes in the morning and late night hot chocolate. I can't imagine graduation, the first day of law school, my first job, my wedding... the list goes on... without you.
I love you... Pop.
So much has changed since you left. It seems like life is flying by so much faster now without our lengthy discussions about how the world works. I cling to the lessons you taught without trying. Like always maintaining an open mind; did you know trains can fly? Never giving up no matter how long the process may take; remember when you spent basically your whole young life in school? Staying patient and consistent; I hope to be there for someone in the ways you always were.
There's so much I need to hear from you...
You always knew what to do. Even if you didn't, you acted like you know what was going on. I need your help now more than ever. There's so many important decisions that I'm facing. I know you would help me see what the best course of action is without being biased. You were the best listener and my biggest supporter. There's so much left in life that I don't know. Who is going to challenge me and teach me at the same time. Who is going to remind me that nothing is impossible. Who is going to make a silly joke about the complexities of life that sheds the worries away like a nice tub of ice cream.
I really miss you...
The holidays suck, sure, but there's also a lot of distraction. This month... and the summer months are always the hardest. This is when we did so many fun things together. Our love of outdoors flourished when the weather was beautiful and I had time to step away from school. The memories of our many adventures bring joy and so many tears. I can't wait to go back to Yellowstone. The days spent on the couch playing games or watching our favorite shows. The pancakes in the morning and late night hot chocolate. I can't imagine graduation, the first day of law school, my first job, my wedding... the list goes on... without you.
I love you... Pop.
(Source: Personal images of me and my grandpa
on some of our vacations in my youth.)
*Author's note: This is the first biography I've done this semester. I didn't think too much about what to write because when I saw this option for a story lab assignment, I knew exactly what to do. My grandfather was my person and the first significant loss I've experienced. He passed away 2 years ago, pretty suddenly, from pancreatic cancer. We knew he was sick for maybe 4 or so months, but the initial diagnosis was lung cancer. About a month before his passing we found out it was pancreatic and were told discouraging survival times. He passed pretty quickly after becoming really sick out of no where. He passed before he was able to receive any kind of treatment due to the difficulty of diagnosis as well as the quick spreading nature of pancreatic cancer. I know cancer touches many people, so my story is sadly felt by many. His birthday is this month, he would have been 67, so I have been thinking a lot about him. My law school decision process has also been associated with some sadness as he was my biggest supporter in this realm. Anyway, I took this opportunity to share a little about my life and what has shaped some of my character and beliefs. This also acts as a sort of letter to my Pop. Thanks for the read, this was very hard to write.
Hey AshLynn, I know that was really hard to write for you and I commend you for sharing it with us. It is so hard losing someone so close to you. I agree holidays, birthdays, and all the what if's are the hardest sometimes. I had a significant loss in 2014 and my journey through grief has been an interesting one. Everyone says stuff like "things will get better with time" or "well, at least they are in a better place now." I know people mean well and sometimes they really just don't know what to say, so you nod and say thanks. But in reality, none of that is true or seems possible for the person feeling such a loss. I found this explantation of grief on the internet one day and it has helped me a ton when I am feeling down and also when I am talking about my grief to others. I wanted to share it with you.
ReplyDelete"So grief is like this: There's a box with a ball in it. And a pain button. In the beginning, the ball is huge. You can't move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can't control it - it just keeps hurting. Sometimes, it seems unrelenting.
Over time, the ball gets smaller. It hits the button less and less but when it does, it hurts just as much. It's better because you can function day to day more easily. But the downside is that the ball randomly hits that button when you least expect it."
I'm sorry for your loss and your Pop seems like a real cool guy.
Hey again, AshLynn.
ReplyDeleteWhat Destiny said about grief... yeah. That. That is exactly what I wanted to say. I would be lying if I said that I was not brought to tears by this story. This is so powerful , thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this. Around the same time you lost your Pop, I actually lost two of my grandfathers. So I completely understand your pain. Maybe that is where the tears came from. I have to imagine how cathartic it was to write this letting, maybe I should do the same. I imagine this brought you comfort in someway, and I hope it did. Best wishes to you and your family, AshLynn.
Hey Ashlynn,
ReplyDeleteThis was very touching to read, and I think you for your absolute courage to be able to post this for others to read. It's really inspiring. I understand what you mean about cancer touching people. My dad was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, but he fell off the radar of some people because it wasn't as serious or terminal. I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors!